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| I've decided on some absolutes this morning. Actually, I'm
spitballing a lot of this, but still , this list never fails to be true
and shan't be argued against.
- A 200-foot (+) lamprey would absolutely be the most terrifying thing.
- airheads who take themselves seriously are absolutely two of the funniest things.
- While I won't deny that Madonna has good legs, she looked absolutely ridiculous at the Grammy's performing without pants.
- Crossword puzzles are absolutely the best pastime, far better than that jackoff sport baseball.
- IMDB.com and Wikipedia.com are absolutely the most useful websites.
- Swimming is absolutely the best form of exercise.
- That fat guy (though absolutely hilarious) has absolutely no place swimming in the medium-speed lane.
- The airplane is absolutely man's greatest invention, followed by the cotton gin.
- The sun is shining, but the ice is absolutely slippery.
- Websites like myspace.com, facebook.com and xanga.com are absolutely life-draining.
- The use of semicolons makes you look absolutely pretentious.
- Regular punctuation, however, is an absolute must.
- Surprisingly, I have absolutely no problem with making cigarettes illegal.
- "The Tyger" by William Blake is absolutely the most hardcore poem ever written.
- The chick from Le Tigre absolutely looks like a dude.
- "The Lady or the Tiger" is absolutely a cliffhanger.
- I absolutely hope he got the tiger.
- Mustaches are absolutely coming back.
- You look absolutely retarded in that fedora.
- Medicated Blistex is absolutely the best chapstick.
- It's absolutely pointless to have a CVS savings card, because the
cashier is willing to scan his own for you absolutely every time.
The card is absolutely just a decoration for your keys.
- I am absolutely pretentious; I can use semicolons.
- Also, I absolutely stole that from Kurt Vonnegut, but I think that it's absolutely true.
- I absolutely used the word "absolutely" 29 times.
I think this is a good guideline for life. Remember and study
these, and feel free to add any of your own absolutes to the
list. For now, I'm absolutely hungry and need some breakfast.
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| I think this picture is the most accurate representation of all my hang-ups in life.
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| Nearly every guy I know (including myself) that shaves with a
non-electric, brand name razor prefers the Gillette Mach 3 above the
rest. The razorhead itself is attached to a pivotal hinge joint
that adjusts appropriately to the optimal angle at which you are
shaving, giving a close, solid shave everytime. It has a
ergonomic handle, which contours tightly to the thumb for a safer grib
that prevents one from slipping up and lobbing off his own head, thus
resulting in many tears and blood and a fair amount of other tragedy
and gore.
But it would seem that the main selling point to the Gillette Mach 3 is
the triple-bladed head specially designed to extend gradually closer to
one's face for a smoother shave. Before its creation, I was often
beat up by the cool kids in school with their high-tech electric
razors, because I was stuck using a whimpy, two-bladed manual razor
made by Bic. I quite often suffered from a disease known as
razorburn and always had unruly tuffs of hair here and there about my
face. But with their truly unique idea, the Mach 3 made it okay
to use a simple, manual razor once again. The beatings stopped,
and my face was as smooth as a baby's bottom.
But a year or two later, whilst still in my adolescence, my heart
skipped a beat when I saw a commercial from one of Gillette's biggest
competitors, Schick. The bastards at Schick created a new razor
with many of the same features as the Gillette Mach 3, including the
ergonomic grip, lubricating strip and pivotal razorhead. But they
decided to one-up Gillette by added an extra blade to the razor.
That's right. The new abomination had not three, but FOUR
blades. Thus, the Schick Quattro was born.
I noticed, however, that the Quattro, despite its superior blade
design, never seemed to gain much popularity with males between the
ages of 13 and 25 though. I, in fact, know of no one who actually
uses the razor. Curious, right?
Though I have often been bothered by this mystery, I had a revelation the other day. The secret is in the name.
Every little boy at one point has dreamed of flying a jet.
Airplanes are arguably man's greatest invention. No other
creation by man has allowed us to experience freedom the way an
airplane does. It allows us to defy the laws of nature and put a
landbased organism soaring through the air. Simply amazing.
On the contrary, not every little boy has fantasized about speaking
Spanish. While there is nothing wrong with knowing Spanish, let's
face it - it's not really anything anyone considers to be all that
badass. Sure, Mexico's got some nice beaches and is great for tourism,
but poverty and overcrowding are rarely appealing to the average Joe.
Quattro? Yeah, that's just Spanish for the number four.
Mach 3 - That's three times the speed of sound, baby.
Therefore, we arrive at the conclusion that product superiority is
nothing if the razor stirs up depressing emotion every time one
shaves. It is much better to feel like a badass jet pilot when
grooming that stylish teenage mustache in the most fashionable way known to man.
P.S. I came to the conclusion while shaving my nuts.
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